Chuu! Kissy Lovesprout!
by Abreaction
Summary: The most cliché fanfiction you have ever read in your entire life. PARODY.
1. It's so Cold!

**YULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYISCANONLOLLUCKYYULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKY**

**READ THIS FIRST****: **I take pride in the fact that I am a relatively good writer. THIS STORY IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. IT IS A PARODY OF CRAPPY FANFICTION. DON'T FLAME ME ON A STORY THAT I'M WRITING AS A _**JOKE **_(emphasis on joke)! Don't flame me as if I am writing this story seriously. I'M NOT. Sorry if this sounds pompous, but I'm very frustrated as to the fact that people are flaming me as if this is a real story. IT'S NOT. Ugh. Just wanted to clarify that. This means I'm purposely using cheesy dialogue and descriptions that make no sense. It's supposed to make you laugh: I do not want to be immolated for it. If you're not mature enough to handle a parody called Chuu! Kissy Lovesprout (for Pete's sake! Look at the title!), then fine: I'll delete it. Holy crap... D:

...I know I should be working on Decadent, don't remind me.

Um, anyway. Every Yullen fanfiction I read is the same. Allen is always classified as the "uke" who cannot control his bodily fluids, has a high-pitched voice, doesn't know the meaning of the word "sex," stutters, and cries relentlessly. Kanda is always the angry, dirty rapist who would like nothing better than to ** around with this crying creature. Just add a cheap plot, the ability to fall in love with complete strangers in under two seconds, random smut scenes, the "forgotten childhood friend," Lucky, and there you have it: A Yullen story.

This, unfortunately, is what most of the Yullen fanfiction is like.

Well.

Sick and tired of all of these stereotypical stories, I decided to try my hand at one. This means that I am repeating phrases on purpose, watering down my writing style, using a ridiculous amount of adjectives to describe characters, and making everyone OOC. Wish me luck! :D

Anyway... here it is! Chapter one to the most stereotypical, cliched, poorly written Yullen/Lucky story EVER. :D

Allen = Super uke who is always getting hurt/hit on/sick/raaaped, Kanda = Lolwut rapist, Lavi = IDKWTFHEISRABBIT, Tyki = Maaaad seductive bastard, Lenalee = LOLOL, she's soooo nice that I took the liberty of making her into an ANGEL. No, seriously. She has _wings_ in this fic (everyone makes her a saint), Cross =Mean, abusive drunkard. D:

WARNINGS: MAJOR OOC, stupidity, mocking of other fanfiction, ridiculous crap, bipolar characters, crack, suidicals, random stuttering, cliches, mind-numbing stupidity, gay fags, a lot of purposeful OOC, moar OOC, SUPER!OOC, butchering of -man.

THIS MAY CAUSE RETINAL BLEEDING. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVE EPILEPSY, OR YOU LIKE TO WRITE STEREOTYPICAL YULLEN/LUCKY.

PREPARE FOR CAPS LOCK ABUSE, DOUBLE PUNCTUATION, LACK OF GRAMMAR, REDUNDANCY, RUN-ONS, AND PEOPLE FALLING IN LOVE IN UNDER FIVE SECONDS. :D

**Disclaimer: **...Not mine. Not now, not ever. D:

**YULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYISCANONLOLLUCKYYULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKY**

It was a cold, freezing, bitter, cold night. The sky was gray and hung over the sweet child like a suffocating veil. The boy rubbed his hands together in a futile attempt to get warm. He shivered. It was cold. He breathed into his hands. No use, he was still just as cold as before.

He was Allen Walker, a young boy of only fifteen. He had been working on the streets as a chimney sweep for two years now. He had hair the color of crisp white snow, and he had magnificent, blinding orbs of clear white light where his eyes should have been. He was wearing a thin shirt and a red ribbon around his neck. There were splotches of coal on his cheeks. In short, he was ridiculously cute. He coughed. It was so cold. His crystal clear, glassy, white, beautiful, perfect eyes looked up at the castle over the valley. How he would love to be safe, warm, and fed inside its great walls. He had heard many a story about the royals who lived there. The Kanda family had ruled over the land peacefully for fifty years. On cold days when Allen couldn't find work like today, he'd always long to be a member of the Kanda family, and live up there. How he longed to lead the perfect lives that the members of the Kanda family undoubtedly lead.

He coughed up blood, squatting to his knees. He wrapped his arms around himself to get warm. It didn't work, unfortunately. He shivered.

"I-I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-s-s-s-o c-c-c-c-c-ooooold," He whined, his voice so high-pitched and docile that it shattered the window of the shop behind him. Wiping tears away from his beautiful eyes, Allen embraced himself harder. He wanted to go home - though he knew that the only thing waiting for him at home was his evil Master. Allen had worked all of his life, for once; he'd like to be pampered. How he longed to have someone just sweep him off his dainty little feet, feed him heartily, and love him.

But, unfortunately, just like in every other adventure, Allen was an abused, little, vulnerable puppy - complete with the big eyes, slight frame, and love for everything and everyone.

He tried to get up, but he felt numb. His hands were like ice. His lips were frozen. He was scared, he was cold, and that wasn't a healthy combination. His vision was going fuzzy. Oh no! He couldn't faint here! The last time he had passed out on the sidewalk, his Master had whipped him, smashed bottles over his head, and sent him outside the next morning in nothing but his boxers. Poor, cute, abused, kind-hearted, loving Allen couldn't blame him, however. It _was_ his own fault for being so useless. No one would miss him if he died here anyway. If he died in the freezing, frigid, benumbing cold, no one would care. He allowed himself to cry, because he was just so helpless.

People were all walking by - all of them disinterested in Allen's predicament, because only Kanda could save him so Yullen could ensue. People kicked him as they walked, cursing him for being in their way. He was always in the way! He was always being kicked around! He cried. He was surprised that his salty tears didn't freeze on his rosy cheeks - it was _that_ cold.

"I-I-I h-have to... to ge-get home to... to M-M-Master," Allen mumbled into the sidewalk, attempting to stand up. The bitter frigid air knocked him back down, however. He fell to his knees. Everything looked grainy and fuzzy. He closed his eyes and willed for his legs to work. He collapsed to the floor, grabbing his sides and shivering. It was too cold, he was too hungry, and he was too broken hearted to stand up. He was ready to die. He was ready to die here - alone and cold on the sad sidewalk.

_"We'll meet again, soon."_

The voice of his childhood friend rang in his ears, as Allen gritted his teeth. He... he had to survive this so he could see his slightly nasty, raven-haired childhood friend once more. He had pinky-promised him that he would meet him again soon - so Allen had to survive until then.

He had to go on... but it was so cold, and he was so tired...

_I...I-I have to-- k-k-k-keep walk... ing,_ Allen thought, so cold that he was even beginning to stutter in his thoughts again! His tears hit the sidewalk and began to flood the land again. Last time, it had taken all of the civilians two months to drain out the ocean of tears Allen had shed. The sky was turning black. His eyelids were heavy as the bricks that he had been forced to carry for hours last week. He was so cold, so cold...

Suddenly, he felt gruff, strong; able hands wrap around his waist, and hoist him up. He was in someone's strong arms - bridal style. He blinked, but his savior's image was fuzzy.

"W...who?" He asked, tears still running down his cheeks.

"Tch," was his only reply.

Then, everything went black.

**YULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYISCANONLOLLUCKYYULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKY**

LOLOL. I WONDER WHAT PAIRING'S GOING TO HAPPEN??

Ugh. I feel dumber after writing this. D:

This is not meant to offend anyone! I did this due to my own boredom.

It will be updated every Saturday or Sunday - depending on my mood.


	2. The Park on the Hill

**YULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYLOLITISGOINGTOHAPPENLOLYULLENLUCKYYULLEN**

Oh my Lucky stars – six (SunMikk's doesn't count) reviews in fewer than five hours of this story's existence? I'm impressed. :D (Not to mention the _thirteen_ reviews that came along later! Thanks, guys!)

If any of you guys have suggestions for what I should do (if you want to request something stereotypical you think I should add), please tell me (via reviews, private messages, any way that's best for you)!

Anyway, we start this chapter off with a heart-warming, moving flashback (in ALL _ITALICS_, OF COURSE) involving Allen's "mysterious" childhood friend. I also added **BOLD SOUND EFFECTS**, and double, incorrect suffixes. There are also Japanese terms thrown into the mix – because we all know that the little _British_ Allen is FLUENT in Japanese. Because of this blatantly "obvious" fact, he chooses to randomly throw Japanese words into English sentences! :D

LOL I WONDER WHO ALLEN'S GOING TO END UP WITH!!

I WONDER WHO SAVED HIM!!

I WONDER WHY EVERYONE'S STILL READING THIS **!!

(Ugh – double punctuation and caps lock kills me)

**YULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYLOLITISGOINGTOHAPPENLOLYULLENLUCKYYULLEN**

_The sun was sparkling through the clouds, shining down on the small, vertically challenged child in the park and the raven-haired boy next to him. The younger boy's hair shone and glittered like pixie dust in the afternoon sun. It was almost as beautiful as he was. The dark-haired boy was sitting next to the other, trying to look away from him. Alas, the boy's ridiculous beauty prevented him from admiring anything else._

_He was so beautiful… the dark-haired boy just wanted to touch his white, shiny hair…_

"_You came to see me again, Friend-chan," The white-haired child smiled, playing with a flower he had dug up from the ground. "I was pulling the petals off of this flower, wondering if you would come to see me again."_

"_Tch, I came because my house sucks – not to see you, Moyashi-tan-chan," The mysterious childhood friend instantly retorted, looking away shyly. The blush on his face was unmistakable. Luckily for him, however, Allen apparently was such an oblivious uke that he didn't notice how red his cheeks was._

"_Are you sunburned, Childhood Friend-kun-chan-san?" Allen asked, tilting his head to the side. The light reflected off of his mesmerizing eyes bounced into Ka—the childhood friend's, momentarily blinding him. _

_When sweet, loyal, kind-hearted, warm, loving Allen got no response from his dry, cold, mean, nasty, raven-haired childhood friend; he instantly jumped to the most obvious conclusion. _

"_You hate me, don't you!?" Allen wailed, jamming his nails into the dirt. "I knew it!! I knew you hated me! WHY!?!" He cried, choking on sobs. How could his childhood friend of two days hate him so?? What had he ever done to him besides be his sweet, loyal, kind-hearted, warm, loving self!? _

"_I… I don't hate you, Bean-tan," The blushing childhood friend replied shyly, trying to hide his flush. _

"_EHHH? You don't hate me? And use my real name, stupid!" He squealed, unable to contain his excitement. His voice was on such a high octave that the tree behind him collapsed. Tears still slid down his cheeks as he spoke, however. He couldn't stop them. Allen stopping his tears was like trying to stop a leaky faucet – impossible. _

_Reaching over, the dark-haired child used his thumb to wipe away the salty tears from the boy's glowing orbs._

"_When you cry, everything dies," The dark-haired child whispered the first cheesy line of this chapter over the suddenly howling wind. As if on cue, the sun disappeared behind the clouds. _

"_O...oh…" Allen mumbled, absent-mindedly placing a hand over the dark-haired child's. It was so cold… perhaps he was a vampire. Allen's warm hand tingled as it made contact with his friend's. "A-anno… etto… Anonymous Friend-chan, I-I… I think I… I might…"_

"_Tch, go on, Moya-chan," The raven-haired, taller, cold, blunt boy whispered, stroking Allen's warm hand in his icy cold one – despite the hot weather. "I want to hear it from your lips."_

_They both knew what Allen was about to say: those three words that would seal their fate, intertwine their hearts, and end this story. _

"_Ai-aishiter-"_

_But, before the sweet, beautiful, darling, angelic boy could finish pouring the overflowing emotions in his heart to the childhood friend he loved, they heard footsteps._

"_Crap," The childhood friend cursed, earning a high-pitched gasp from Allen. "They found me."_

"_Who? Who found you?!" Allen yelped, only to have the childhood friend press a finger to his lips. _

"_Prince? Prince, are you here?" A voice called, the footsteps getting closer even though they should be almost impossible to hear, since the man approaching them was walking on grass. _

"_Beanie-chan," The childhood friend muttered hurriedly, cupping Allen's cheeks in his hands. "I have to go – I don't know if I can see you again."_

"_Wh-what!? Never again!?" Allen blubbered. Oh no! Here came the endless flow of tears again! "Wuuu… b-b-but why?"_

"_I'll tell you sometime later – when we meet again," The raven-haired boy whispered, contradicting his previous statement. He ran an icy hand down Allen's warm cheek. "When I go, you have to hide. Okay?"_

"_B-bu… but…" _

_Pressing their lips together, the childhood friend silenced him. For the sake of their kiss, the man attempting to locate the childhood friend had back problems, and could not walk up the hill so fast. Yes, the park is located on a hill. _

"_N..nnhh," Allen moaned as the kiss between the two underage boys deepened. Allen felt his and the childhood friend's saliva mix together as it dribbled down his chin. He always had a problem controlling the fluids in his mouth. _

"_Prince? Prince!"_

"_N..nghh…" Allen discharged a generic submissive noise from his mouth, after they hastily and unfortunately broke apart. Intertwining their pinkies together, they stared into one another's eyes._

_The childhood friend gazed into the silver, glassy pools of crystals located in Allen's eye sockets. He could see all of the unspoken promises between them. _

_Allen gazed into his childhood friend's cold, deep, dark, obsidian orbs. He knew they would meet again. _

"_We'll meet again, soon," The childhood friend promised, shaking their pinkies up and down. From that very moment on, an invisible string of red silk wrapped its away around their pinkies – forever entwining them. _

"_Mm-hmm!" Allen nodded in agreement, brushing away the tears forming in his eyes. _

"_Prince? Prince – are you there?"_

"_Why is he calling you 'Prince'?" Allen asked; their pinkies still interlaced somehow. _

"_I'll tell you when we meet again," The friend muttered. "Now go! Hide!" He shoved Allen down the other side of the hill as the top of the man's head became visible._

"_AHHH!!!" Allen screamed as he rolled down the hill. Of course, as he rolled, thousands of spindly trees suddenly popped up that he could crash into. He skinned himself on every cutting branch he slammed into. He cried as he finally landed on the ground. Now, he'd have to walk back home to Mana as if he were beaten up – again!_

_Allen never forgot how his first broken leg was his childhood friend's fault. He swore to get him back for that one day – when they met again. _

_However, the feeling of his shattered ribs, bruises, and broken leg was not the first thing he remembered when he thought of his first love: It was of the brief, saliva-ridden kiss they had shared._

_He would find him, his childhood friend. They hadn't finished their first kiss yet. _

_He may not have known his name, knew who he was, or why he had fallen for him in the two days that they had met – but Allen knew that his feelings were true and pure._

_That boy… he was his first and only…_

"L-love…" Allen murmured, his crystal-clear eyes sliding open. Where was he? It felt so soft. He noticed he wasn't cold anymore. Instead, he was really warm. What had happened? When he tried to recall what had happened, all he could remember was bitter cold, strong arms, and…

A prominent, pink blush bloomed on his cheeks as he thought of his savior's strong arms.

"Hey! He's awake!"

"Eh?" Allen asked, attempting to sit up. But, the bed he was lying in was just to plushy, soft, fluffy, and nice. He had no choice but to sink back down into it again.

"Ah! Don't try to sit up just yet!" A male voice told him, pushing him back into the fluff of the pillow.

There were two people over him – two men. One was the redhead who had just spoken. He was wearing a scarf the color of the custard that Master had tortured the starving Allen with last week, and his eyes were the color of fresh grass. He also had a rather large, foreshadow-inducing hat with a feather on it concealing his red hair. He smiled as Allen's eyes fell upon him.

As Allen scanned the man beside the redhead, he was overcome with emotion. This man, he seemed… so familiar. Where had he seen him before?

The man had long, luscious, cascading raven hair that was tied back in a tight ponytail. His cold, deep, dark, obsidian orbs reflected nothing but hate in Allen's direction. He was gorgeous, and so familiar…

"Tch, is it a good thing that he fucking woke up?" The man snapped, crossing his arms over his muscular chest.

"Yu-chan!" The redhead replied, turning around to face the man. "Don't say such mean things! Especially not when Saint Lenalee's a' coming!"

With a burst of Holy light, the door flew open. All of a sudden, a girl with a wing size of six walked in. She had the perfect body, perfect face, and perfect eyes. Flowers sprouted through the carpet on every place that she took a step on. She flipped her perfect pigtails, and flashed Allen a radiant smile. Her teeth were so white that the redhead's eyebrows burned off.

"My name is Saint Lenalee Lee," The sixteen-year-old female smiled, extending a hand. She was so nice, beautiful, and ridiculously pretty that she had been granted a spot in Mount Olympus. Go figure.

Her arm was suspended for a while, before clueless Allen realized that the angel wanted him to shake it.

"O-oh! Silly me!" He giggled, taking her hand in his and shaking it. "I'm Allen Walker – I'm fifteen, I have white hair, and I live with my abusive Master!"

"I'm Lavi!" The redhead piped up. "I'm Prince Yu-chan's right-hand guy, and I'm part-bu… I mean, I'm eighteen and I'm totally not a spy!"

All three of them turned to face the grumbling man in the corner.

"Well, Prince Yu Kanda-kun the Third, heir to the throne, currently single, and eighteen-years-old, are you going to introduce yourself so Allen-chan isn't wondering who you are?" The angel asked, tapping her foot against the Sakura petal-ridden ground.

Allen was probably dying of curiosity, wondering who exactly his savior was!

"Tch, why should I introduce myself to a Moyashi?"

"I am _not_ a Moyashi! Allen piped up, pointing an accusing finger at the prince. "And only… only _that person_ can call me… 'Moyashi'."

"Ohhh! Moyashi-tan's in looove!" Lavi sang, cracking a few windows in the process. "Look's like Yu-chan's gonna have to find a new wife!"

"How did I even get here?" Polite, cute, little Allen asked aloud; basking in the warm light that Saint Lenalee was emitting.

"Oh! Yu-chan saved you!" Lavi chimed, readjusting his ridiculous hat.

"Ehh? But he hates me!" Allen exclaimed, cocking his head to the side.

"Fucking Baka-Usagi, isn't dinner ready?" Kanda suddenly growled, standing up and forcibly shoving Lavi from the room.

"You'll love the stew I made for you, Moyashi-chan!" Lavi called as Kanda slammed the door on him.

"Um, well," Lenalee bit her lip, folding her wings. "I have to go end world hunger, so I'll be back soon!" She began to walk away; only to have her feathery, pearly-white wings knock over a coffee table. "Oops. Sorry, Kanda-kun! I can pay the damages again, if you want-"

"-Just _leave_," Kanda seethed, locking Lenalee outside the window. She took off into the gray sky, waving.

Allen shifted on the bed. How could they have left him alone with this cold, mean man? He seemed so heartless! How could he have been the one who saved him?

Wait… this man had made him blush!

Suddenly feeling embarrassed again, Allen gripped the sheets in his hands.

"You… you seem so familiar…" Allen murmured, gazing into the man's cold eyes. What unfeeling eyes he had. They hardened as Allen's glowing eyes caught their attention. Kanda looked away.

"Well, I mean, I'm the freaking Prince after all, Baka-Moyashi."

"Ehh?! _You're_ Prince Kanda??"

"Didn't you listen to anything that Lenalee said, Baka-Moyashi-teme?"

Allen blushed. In fact, he hadn't been. He was too lost in Kanda's eyes to have anything that anyone else said around him register. There was… there was something about Kanda…

"The name's Allen, baka! Spell it with me: A-L-L-E-N," Allen retorted, getting angry. Why was this mean man calling him the same thing that his childhood friend had called him? Only... _that person_ could call him that – he had already told him that! How dare he use the nickname!

"M-O-Y-A-S-H-I. Moyashi is all I see, Moyashi," Kanda scoffed, edging closer to the boy. He sat on the chair beside his bed, glaring daggers at him.

Allen felt one of the visual daggers pierce his heart.

"I… if you hate me so much, then why did you save me?" Allen whispered, coughing. His immune system was almost as weak and defenseless as he was.

"Tch, I need a new maid."

"E-eh?"

"You heard me," Kanda repeated, his hand gliding through his thick, black hair. His hands looked so cold, like a vampire's. "I needed a slave."

"Y-you me-mean servant, right?" Allen asked, eyes widening. He backed up into the pillow. Oh no! He was going to get abused again! He placed his hands over his head defensively, his body shaking with sobs.

"Baka-Moyashi," Kanda rolled his eyes. "You can stay here, but only if you work. That means cooking, cleaning, massaging my feet, running errands, and other backbreaking labor that will surely lead us into erotic scenes."

"B-but I'm so sick!" Allen gasped in-between wheezes. "H-how can y-you be so cru-cruel?!"

"Tch. Because you're a Moyashi."

Bursting into tears, Allen's body shook. How could this man do this to him!? No matter where he went, he would always have to work, work, work! He was so tired of this! Why couldn't he have just died on the cold, miserable sidewalk?

"Stop blubbering," The cruel, sadistic, mean, evil man snarled.

Once again with the whole faucet analogy.

Allen couldn't stop. He buried his head in his hands – one gloved and the other not gloved.

His anger rising, Kanda remembered that one time long ago on a hill. He had been with his first love. He had done something with his lips to make him stop crying…

**SLAM!!**

**Slam**ming his lips against Allen's, he pushed him into the headboard. The kiss was unprovoked, rough, and violent – as if Kanda had released a struggling, ferocious, aroused dog onto Allen's mouth.

"MMPH--!!" Allen didn't even have time to put a pillow in the way, before Kanda had captured his lips in his own. Tears sprang up into his eyes. This kiss was nothing like the one he had shared with his childhood friend! It wasn't right!

Kanda propped Allen against the headboard, arbitrarily deciding that he wanted to screw the Moyashi; even though he met him under an hour ago, the docile child was a minor, and he already claimed to hate him.

**SLAP!!**

Allen slapped Kanda in the face, shoving him off of his body. "DON'T TOUCH ME!! ONLY _THAT PERSON_ CAN TOUCH ME!!" He hollered in a bizarre mixture of fear and anger. All of the glass windows in the room shattered into a million-billion pieces – well, save for Allen's glassy eyes, of course. Relentless tears fell from his eyes and landed on the sheets, as he slapped Kanda and shook Kanda.

'_We'll meet again, soon…'_

"P-please… no… no more," Allen whispered, breathing in hard and fast. He didn't want to be violated; he didn't want this man's defiling, dirty kiss. All he wanted was his childhood friend whose name escaped him.

"Tch," Kanda growled, beginning to back off of Allen. Just as he did so, the door opened, and Lavi skipped in.

"Here you go, Moya-chan-chan," The red-haired man sang in happiness, placing a bowl of steaming soup on Allen's lap.

"Don't call me that…" Allen murmured as Lavi handed him a spoon. It was a silver spoon; metallic, cold, and unfeeling – just like Kanda's heart! Allen felt himself beginning to cry again. He blinked back the tears and swallowed his displeasure. If only he were stronger.

"Well, bon appétit," Lavi grinned, plucking a Lenalee-induced flower from the carpet and placing it in Kanda's long, silky, glossy hair. He winked before running out.

"You start work tomorrow, Moyashi," Kanda deadpanned, yanking the daisy out of his hair and placing it in the transparent vase beside Allen's bed. "And you'll have to start calling me: 'Goshijin-sama' for the sake of kink."

"Y-Y-You're so mean," The sweet boy stuttered, mentally cursing his speech impairment before turning his attention back to the food. He hadn't eaten in… let's see… three days. No, wait, more like five – yeah, that sounds about right. He hadn't eaten in five days because he gave away his last portion of food to his starving dog, Tim – he was _that_ selfless.

As he spooned a spoonful of the soup into his mouth, he gagged and spat it out. "WHAT'S IN THIS!? POISON!?"

"Heh. No, Moyashi," Kanda bent down real low and whispered into Allen's delicate, pallid, cute ear: "It's _Beansprout soup._ Mmmm."

Allen closed his eyes, wondering how things could get any worse.

He had **no idea……....**

**YULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYLOLITISGOINGTOHAPPENLOLYULLENLUCKYYULLEN**

...A part of me died while writing this.

I finished writing this chapter on Monday, but I chose to update it today because of the following two reasons:

1) It's my fourteenth birthday today! Rejoice! :D

2) I will be updating Decadent sometime today, so it seemed only fair that its mentally impaired sibling was updated on the same day it was.

As a preview for next week's chapter, let's just say that it's going to revolve around Allen performing "backbreaking labor" around the house. Everyone abuses him! Oh noes! D:

I know the suspense is killing all of you. Who is the mysterious dark-haired friend with the overused description of obsidian orbs? Who will Allen end up with? Is Lavi "totally not a spy" like he claims to be? DON'T LET THE PAGE BREAKS FOOL YOU; THE ENDING TO THIS STORY WILL BE _SHOCKING._

Thanks to most of you for the positive feedback! To the others: I don't understand why you took this story so seriously when I clearly stated that it's a parody. Ugh. I'm still pissed over this.

Oh well. See all of you next week! :)


	3. The Smell!

Note: I've officially decided that this story is also going to contain some Lena-bashing—just to make it _moar_ stereotypical, if possible. Every other chapter, Lenalee is going to be reduced to the sniveling, crying, bashed character that most of the Lena-haters make her into (when she isn't a saint, of course). Personally, I _love_ Lenalee… but, what the hay, I'm angry enough to feel like uselessly bashing her.

Credit for the idea of the Master/Slave sponge-washing scene goes to Chalupa-kabra, because I lack creativity. :D

Oh. Sorry in advance for any grammatical/spelling errors in here. I posted it right before my grandparents came over (it was the only opportunity I had to do it), so I didn't get the chance to double-check it. So, um, sorry.

Enjoy your weekly dose of crack, guys! :D

**OMGLOLOLYULLENGASMLUCKYGASMHOLYSHITOMGLOLOLFAPFAP**

**(lolol **_**dream sequence**_** below)**

"_Baka-deshi!" Master cracked his iron knuckles. He had poor, helpless Allen trapped against a corner. Allen sobbed uncontrollably into his hands, his shoulders shaking. _

"_No, Master-sama-dono! I'm so sorry!!" He cried, crystals flying from his eyes but morphing into liquid tears before they crashed onto his Master's unshaved beard—like an endless amount of liquid pearls slamming onto a bristly patch of grass. _

"_SORRY WON'T CUT IT, BAKA-DESHI!!"_

"_I'm not a faggot!" Allen screamed; tearing at his gray locks that somehow weren't that color due to stress. "I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!" He wailed, shaking his head from side, to side, to side, allowing his sorrowful tears to fly everywhere, and shower Master in an endless rain of tears. _

"…_When did I ever accuse you of being?"_

"_I… um, I… I thought it fit the mood," Allen admitted, wiping tears away from his glassy eyes while twirling one of his trauma-induced white locks. He bit his lower lip. _

_Allen could hear his childhood friend's voice in his ear—telling him not to take this abuse from his Master. But… but he had to. It was his fault, after all. If Master killed him one day, he'd be sorry. He would be… he knew he would—_

_**SLAP!!**_

_Coughing up blood, his tongue, and five teeth, poor Allen gasped for breath on the floor. At Master's feet, he sobbed, wretched, and cried crystal tears. _Liquefied_ crystal tears. _

"_I'LL KILL YOU!" Master cried, deciding that he'd like to spend the rest of his life in prison. _

"_P-P-PLEASE!! DO-DON'T HURT ME!!" _

**(lolol dramatic end of **_**dream sequence**_**)**

Allen's bigger-than-a-football-field, shiny eyes snapped open, as he shot up on the bed. He was shaking all over – even more so than he had been shaking outside in the bitter, frigid, benumbing air of the cold, bitter, frigid outdoors!

The last time he had a dream as vivid as this one, it had been the night that he had forgotten to bring home Master's new leather gloves. As punishment, that evil, suffix-unworthy sadist had used his iron boot on Allen—almost crushing the poor, sweet boy's cute, little toes! That night, as sweet-hearted Allen had lied amongst the dumpster's waste-ridden wasteland, his pellucid tears had mixed in with the contents of the trash.

The only thing that kept him from committing suicide was the unbreakable promise that he had made with his perverse, underage childhood friend. He had been eight when he fell in love—so it _had_ to be true! After all, it had taken him all of two days to drown in love's merciless wake—meaning that the only love of Allen's fifteen-year-old life had to be the childhood friend.

It had to be him, or else Allen's life was meaningless.

The sun was shining through the light drapes. It's light, warm rays casted a blanket of warmth and light over the small, defenseless uke sitting in bed. Allen sighed to himself, wondering if he should stand up to get dressed so it could be described in painfully excruciating detail.

He was about to stand up, when the realized something was… **wrong.** No, it wasn't the fact that he was sleeping inside the castle of his dreams, nor was it that the prince had almost raped him last night. Instead, he realized that there was something on his body.

Something… **horrible.**

"AHHH!!!" He screamed, flinging the covers off from around his lithe, slim, thin, small body. "WHY AM I IN A MAID'S COSTUME!?" He twirled around, gaping at the large, silken ribbon protruding from the back of his frilled skirt. Instead of wondering _how_ exactly someone had snuck into his room at night, removed his clothes, and dressed him in a maid's costume as he slept; he wondered _who_ would do such a thing! Why would someone do this when everyone knows perfectly well that maid scenes only lead to panty shots!

Suddenly… he knew who had done this to him. He didn't need any rationale—he just _knew._

"BAKANDA!" He hollered shrilly, breaking through the thin veil of morning, the windows, and the bedposts with his shrill, high-pitched holler. The doors shook and collapsed.

"It's time to start work, Moyashi-teme," A deep, cold, queer voice hissed, a hand wrapping around his hipbone. The man's grip was so tight that Allen thought his fragile hipbone would shatter—just like delicate heart had last night.

"Why did you put me in a maid's costume, BaKanda?!"

"The name's _Goshujin-sama,"_ The mean prince whispered, pressing his wet lips to Allen's ear. A flood of saliva cleaned the inside of Allen's ear, and trickled down his cheek. "Use that name, and that name only, baka-Moyashi-teme."

"You're so… so…!"

Handing Allen a feather duster, Kanda smirked. "This castle better be fucking spotless by noon. If not, you die."

_OH NO!_ Allen thought miserably, biting down on his perfectly manicured nails—despite the fact that he lacked the money to even get a manicure in the first place. _If I die here… my Anonymous Childhood Friend-chan-kun-san-tan will always wonder where I am! My love, wait for me~!_

"I… I'll do what you ask, Goshujin-sama," The unhappy pansy sniffled, wiping a tear from his glowing, gray orbs with the tip of the feathers on the feather duster. "Achoo!" He sneezed, causing the bowl that was next to the vase on the nightstand to crack, the now-cold beansprout soup leaking out from the cracks.

"Good bitch."

As soon as the mean, nasty, rude, evil, obsidian-orbed prince left, Allen sobbed until his feather duster was too wet to use.

Why did all of these bad things happen to such a good, sweet, wholesome person!? Why did it have to be Prince Kanda who had saved him!? Why couldn't it have been his Friend-chan-tan whose big, strong arms had lifted him up from the cold ground!? Why did he have a dream about when his Master abused him after he had forgotten to give him toothpaste!?

"W-well, I guess I'll start by w-w-waking Lavi up," Allen whimpered, wiping his nose on the fluffy feather duster once more, before tentatively stepping over the large pile of rubble where the door once proudly stood. It was so hard to walk in heels.

As the white-haired, fifteen-year-old, sickly, frail, abused boy tiptoed down the large hallway; he felt so out of place. The walls were covered with portraits of a boy who looked uncannily like Allen's long-lost childhood friend. Oh, the misery! How Allen longed to share mouth-fluids with his childhood friend once more! Sighing and blinking back tears, Allen made his way down to the final room at the end of the large hallway. He somehow knew that this was Lavi's room.

"L-Lavi…?" The cute boy whispered, pressing his thin self against the door. It was unlocked, and the door instantly swung inwards, propelling Allen forward!

"KYAA!!" The white-haired boy screamed, bracing himself to crash onto the floor!

"Allen!!"

_**CRASH!!**_

"I…itai," Allen moaned, landing on the floor of Lavi's room with his arms spread out beneath him. He sat up and rubbed his aching head. His suddenly splitting headache was worse than the time he had been knocked unconscious by Master with his golf club.

After two minutes of rubbing his head while saying "It hurts!" or "Kill me now and end my misery," Allen managed to stop crying. Allen's pellucid, crystal eyes of blinding light looked up at where Lavi was standing. For the two minutes that Allen was rubbing his head while saying "It hurts!" or "Kill me now and end my misery" before he stopped crying, the redhead had just been standing there, watching with an odd grin on his face. Lavi was refusing to make eye contact with Allen; for he knew that one look into his orbs of high luminosity would undoubtedly result in the need for cataract surgery.

"L-Lavi…?" The snow-white-haired boy questioned, tilting his head to the right. It as then that the oblivious uke noticed that the redhead wasn't wearing his hat. Wait… what were those _pink things_ coming out of his head!?

"A-ALLEN!!" Lavi screamed, covering his the odd pink things on his head. "GET OUT!!"

"B-but," Allen said, fighting back more tears while wondering why he stuttered every time that he got nervous. What was Lavi trying to hide!? "I-I-I w-was ju-just try-trying to helpful-"

"-OUT!" Lavi wailed, hurling a pillow at Allen's already-throbbing head. The sweet, abused boy fell to the ground like a sack of limp potatoes. His head hurt so badly that he could hardly stand!!

"MY HEAD!!" Allen sobbed, inching towards the door. "MANA! CHILDHOOD FRIEND-CHAN-TAN! HELP ME!!"

Too stunned to feel guilty for hurting poor, abused Allen, Lavi continued to scream. Oh no! If Lavi kept on hollering like that… Kanda would come!! No!!

Tumbling out of Lavi's room, Allen landed on his back in the large hallway again. Tears spilled from his orbs as he sobbed, retched, and cried.

Why did these things _always_ happen to him!?

THISISPAGEBREAKLOLYULLENANDLUCKYARECANONSOBOWDOWN

Holding an icepack to his head and still sniffling, Allen walked out into the garden. One of the other random maids had told him that Prince Kanda wanted his shrubbery to be trimmed. Poor Allen didn't even know what a 'shrubbery' was—let alone how to cut it!

'_Use this,' Random Maid Number Five had told sweet, clueless Allen, handing him a large, heavy type of scissors._

'_What's this!?"_

"_Just use it."_

Sighing as the useless flashback subsided, Allen dragged the scissor-like things at his feet. They were too heavy to carry!

The garden was so lush—it was green, large, and full of trees and bushes and flowers. Who knew that such a pretty garden could grow in the backyard of a man so cold!

But, with clean, fresh, sprouting flowers, there was always that one pathetic one. Allen stood over it, pouting. The poor flower—it would never make it through the winter!

_I… I wouldn't have made it through the winter, either… if it weren't for K-Kanda…_ The minor inwardly stuttered, feeling terrible that he couldn't save the flower; just like Kanda had saved Allen; his flower, from the cold, wintery winter air—which was cold and freezing, by the way.

"Hey there, little guy," Allen smiled, bending down real low to a wilting flower, the pain in his head going away so he could proceed to eclipse Saint Lenalee's kindness. "You'll grow up big and strong one day! Just like my Childhood Friend-chan-tan did!" The flower did not respond. Allen giggled, unaware that this act alone caused the death of five trees that collapsed due to the sound waves. "Chin up, little guy—you'll get there!"

_I… I feel so confident now! _Allen beamed, the shines in his eyes blinding a few pedestrians. "I can do this!"

As the clueless, innocent, docile, submissive, white-haired, fifteen-year-old, delusional, partially-psychotic, masochistic receiver ran towards what he believed "shrubbery" to be, his high-pitched giggles broke the sound barrier, and caused Beethoven's deafness. His skirt swished against his fatless thighs—he would never admit it, but he felt so _free_ in a skirt. It was if the thin material had been made for him. Why didn't more men wear such apparel? Besides, who didn't support cross-dressing in the 1800s?

All of a sudden, a horrible, evil, _**disgusting**_ smell filled Allen's button nose's nostrils.

"AUGH!!" Allen wheezed, covering his nose and gagging. The smell smelled like something disgusting, evil, horrible, and all-too-familiar…

"Oh no!" The cute boy choked out through his retching. "That smell… th-that smell is of… of…! IT'S OF DRUGS! MASTER MUST'VE FOUND ME!! GOSHUJIN-SAMA LIED TO ME!" Coming up with the only logical explanation that his feeble-yet-endearing mind could concoct, Allen fed the plants with his salty tears. If Master found him… he'd never be able to find his childhood sweetheart!

A familiar voice broke through the obsidian curtain of shame that Allen was crying and standing behind.

"Al… llen?"

"Eh?" Allen recognized that voice! It wasn't his Master's—no, it was too drugged up even to be him. So… whose could it be…??

"ALLEN-KUN!"

"Saint Lenalee?!" The oblivious, optimistic boy gasped, finally noticing the crumpled, rotting figure slumped against the corner of the palace. Her wings looked like bananas after they were rotten—all folded in and blotchy and stuff. Her eyes were glazed over almost as much as Allen's shiny eyes were! She was crying so hard and at such an alarming rate that her tears were dissolving her once rosy, lush, fleshy cheeks!

"My… my life…! It's so… so bad!!" Lenalee sobbed, her rotten banana wings turning more and more brown with every passing second that Allen lived up to his "useless" name by simply standing there, gaping.

As Allen took a step closer, huge waves of stink sent him down to his knees. The helpless, cute, naïve child gasped for breath on the grass. What… what was this smell!?

Allen's cute, naïve, helpless, small hands turned wet as Lenalee's tears began to create a second Great Flood. Oh no! Lenalee's crying was so intense, that her tears would flood the kingdom faster than Allen's had after he had been raped for the first time!!

He had to stop her!

But… the smell!!

The salty tears were up to his thin, bony, lithe, slim, slight waist now; and the awful stench of something rotting was preventing him from doing what he did best and running away!

"_We'll meet again, soon…"_

Every time that little Allen was about to die, the voice and words of his Childhood Friend-chan rang in his small ears. Childhood friend…

_Him._

His childhood sweetheart… that brought back such memories! Memories of the first time that his Childhood Friend-chan had punched him so hard that he saw stars. Memories of the time when the childhood friend had crushed their lips together, pinned Allen's sweet body against a tree, and almost took his virginity at age eight! If it weren't for the sudden gust of wind that had blown thin, little Allen into the air, he would have lost his innocence at that very moment against the thick, unfeeling, rough bark of the tree!

His… Childhood Friend… he would find him…

He couldn't die here! He… he had to see his Childhood Friend-chan-kun-tan!

Allen was on the floor, his thin, slim, lithe body crumpled on the floor. He was on the floor, clutching the sides of his thin, slim, lithe body, while holding his nose. It was… so bad!

"I can't die here!!" He choked out, Lenalee's tears running into his open mouth as he screamed. "I HAVE TO KEEP WALKING!!"

Standing up, Allen shook on his feet. The stench of a thousand rotting pairings besides Yullen hit him faster than the bitter cold of the outdoors had yesterday. Gritting his perfectly white teeth, the sweet, kind, self-sacrificing boy trudged through the salty tears that were currently up to his chest.

"NO!! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!! YOU KNOW HOW I HATE SELF-SACRIFICE!!" Saint Lenalee screamed, smashing her fists against her taped-up legs for emphasis. "NO! NO! NO! YOU'RE SO SELFISH, ALLEN!!" She looked in vain for the nearest bag of groceries.

"I… I.. h-have to.. k-ke-keep walk… walking," Allen mumbled, smiling. His damp, wet skirt was clinging to his thin thighs, and his nose was proceeding to burn off, but he kept on going! "I-I have to k-ke-keep walking!! For Mana, for Master… and for my Childhood Friend-chan-tan!!"

"WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE!?" Lenalee shrieked, emitting more noxious fumes as her bitter crying intensified.

The water was up to his shoulders, now. Even though Allen knew he couldn't swim, he knew he could do it. He had to! They were all relying on him! Everyone was relying on him!

"I HAVE TO PROVE TO EVERYONE--!!"

"PROVE WHAT!?"

"THAT I'M NOT—"

**SPLASH!!**

But, at that moment…… the water reached Allen's mouth! Allen couldn't swim!! He would drown!! Lenalee continued to sob as Allen's sweet, white, cute head disappeared under the tears.

**GLUG GLUG**

_I… I wanted to see him again…_

Allen gasped for air under the salty water, his hands flailing—reaching for the surface that was just out of reach.

Deeper… deeper…

_M-Mana… I'll be joining you soon…_

His big eyes bulged. The gray orbs of light had lost fifteen out of forty sparkles!

_M-M-Master… I'm sorry that I didn't make you lamb chops that one night, so you whipped me._

Allen's small arms flailed some more. He could see the surface… but it was so far away… so far away…

Deeper… deeper…

_Childhood Friend-chan-tan-kun… I never knew your name… but I loved you. I wanted to see you one last time! I-I'm so sorry!_

He closed his eyes, preparing for the worst.

_I'm sorry. _

With that last tear-wrenching thought… Allen's "**glug glugging**" stopped……….

……….For his head broke the surface!!

"H-He's alive!!" Lenalee cried, her rejuvenated wings helping her to fly, as she lifted Allen above the ocean of tears.

"L-Lena… lee?" Allen gasped, his eyes sliding open, their luminosity causing Lenalee's twenty-twenty vision to take a turn for the worse. As Lenalee's vision became impaired, they landed on the floating corpse of a tree that Allen's giggles had murdered.

"Baka!" She shrieked, wiping her tears before they could drown more of the world. "You're kinder than a Saint! Your self-sacrificing ways have saved me from more bashing!"

"Lenalee…" Allen moaned, beckoning the girl to come closer.

She bent over him—not too close, however, because if she got too close, people may mistake this story to be het, when it's so clearly going to be Yull—her wings folded behind her.

"Yes… Allen?"

"Y-your skirt…" He breathed, trying to find the right words to say, as images of his childhood friend clouded his mind. "It… it's really short."

SCREWCANONLETUSJUSTSKIPTHISPARTBECAUSENOWHERECOMESSUMYULLEN!

**TWO HOURS LATER…**

Trotting down the hallway of the palace, Allen finally felt in place. In the whole Lenalee-adventure above the page separator, Allen had single-handedly saved the lives of the entire villagers, the palace people, and perhaps the **entire world**—all by himself! And it was all because of his unconditional, undying love for Ka—his nameless childhood friend! Wow, perhaps he _wasn't_ as much of an uke as everyone thought he was!

"A-Ahh!!" Allen screamed, as he proceeded to trip over air, and land on his face. "I-itai…"

Strike that. He was a hopeless, spineless uke.

Dusting his slightly damp maid costume off with his cute, small, gloved hands; Allen picked up the plate of soba he had dropped when he proceeded to be a hopeless, spineless uke and trip over air. The plate of warm, steamy, home cooked soba was to be Prince Kanda's lunch… though it contained a few of Lenalee's leftover tears that he had dumped into it! What a sneaky boy!

Prince Kanda would pay for making cute, innocent Allen blush!! Kanda would pay for putting cute, innocent, once-freezing Allen in a maid's outfit—no matter how much he liked it!!

Allen giggled as he flamboyantly skipped down the hallway towards Prince Kanda's bedroom, causing one of the paintings of the young Prince Kanda (which looked a lot like his childhood friend! Wonder why.) to crack and fall off of the wall and clatter to the floor with a resounding: **CRASH!!**

"Ah…gomen nasai," The disgustingly kind boy apologized to the inanimate object, before kicking it into a corner with the heel of his sparkly heels. If Prince Kanda noticed the demolished painting… Allen gulped.

Allen's sparkly, pink shoes stopped clicking as he stopped in front of Prince Kanda's door. He knew that this room belonged to the angry, sexual-deprived prince because it had the words: "COME INSIDE, CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME, OR HAVE A UTERUS, AND DIE," written on a sign hanging from the door. The words were written in… blood!! And… it was still wet and dripping!

The blood didn't frighten Allen as much as the evil "u" word did!

_My goodness, that's rude to write,_ Allen bit his lower lip, his pitiful mind wondering what a "uterus" was. All he knew of was Yullen, male pregnancies that defied the laws of nature/physics, and overused plots—what was this _uterus?_

Before the endearing sweetheart could figure out what this abomination was, his beautiful, blindingly white eyes picked up on some smaller words written on the sign.

"I'M NOT STRAIGHT," The final words of the sign read. Allen gasped!

**GASP!!**

"P-Prince Ka—I mean, G-Go-Goshujin-sama isn't straight!?" Allen **gasp**ed, putting his mouth to his lips and gasping for the third consecutive time. His mouth formed the shape of a giant "O." It was just _that shocking._

It was then, as Allen was gasping so many times that he almost hyperventilated, that he noticed the door was unlocked. Since he had such good experiences in the past from barging in on people when their doors were unlocked, Allen decided that this would be the best option. Pushing open the door, the cute, docile, naïve, innocent, sweet boy poked his cute, innocent, docile, naïve, sweet face inside.

What he saw made him gasp!

Prince Kanda was changing!

Kanda's long, shiny—not as shiny as Allen's huge eyes, mind you—hair was down, and it was the color of one thousand bolded words. His muscles were so large that they threatened to tear his skin apart.

Allen watched from his position at the door, dumbstruck. Why were all of the mean ones so attractive?!

_No… no… control yourself, Allen,_ Allen thought, attempting to control himself. Shaking his head from side to side fast enough to induce a tornado, the poor, tempted boy attempted to look away from the eye candy before him.

Kanda reached down to take off his puffy, manly, princely pants…

"EEEK!!" Allen shrieked, falling over on the floor. He… he couldn't watch the Prince change! He'd be cheating on his amazingly abusive childhood friend if he did!!

"Moyashi!?" Kanda cried angrily, looming over Allen's cute frame like the dark, evil, mysterious silhouette-of-a-man that was watching everything that was going on from outside the window! "Psh, tch, pff, were you watching me change?" Kanda 'psh-ed,' 'tch-ed,' 'pff-ed' as his left eyebrow raised up high enough almost go off on a tangent like this sentence is, and fly into space.

"P-P-Prince Ka—I mean, G-G-Goshujin-sama! I-I-I di-didn't… I didn't mean to--!!" Allen stuttered, mentally cursing whatever dominant genotype had _murdered _the recessive one in the Punnett Square, and caused him to stutter like a bitch.

"Heh," Kanda snorted, leaning in real closer to the stuttering, crying creature on the floor. "You remind me of someone… _That person…_"

"E-eh?" Allen questioned, blinking back tears while cocking his head. His eyes gained over nine thousand shines.

They both involuntarily leaned in closer, until their faces were inches—no, _centimeters_ apart.

Kanda gazed into the silver, glassy pools of crystals located in Allen's eye sockets. He could see all of the unspoken promises between them. Something seemed so… _familiar._

Suddenly, Kanda's intense hatred for Allen morphed into something… _different._ Something he had only felt once before, when he was on that park on the hill… with _that person._

Allen gazed into his Kanda's cold, deep, dark, obsidian orbs. Déjà vu hit him harder than his Master had brought the lamp, coffee table, and carriage down on him when he earned half-a-yen under the required amount to pay off their debt. He was… calm. All of the evil things that Kanda had done to him were forgotten, as he leaned in closer… closer…

Before their lips made contact and could induce a saliva-ridden make out session, Kanda pulled back. His face was covered with an evil smirk!

"Heh, Moyashi," He snorted, pushing Allen away. "Since you like to watch me naked so much, why don't you give me a bath?"

"EHHH!?" Allen squealed, backing up, his eyes widening wider than the widest mountain… which was wide.

"Tch, you heard me. Wash me, you _dirty bean_," Kanda smirked, only to correct himself. "I mean _dirty Moyashi. _What is a _bean_?"

"I have no idea! Heaven forbid!" The polite, British child gasped, taking out his Japanese to English notebook. "The only word in this dictionary is smut."

"Psh, heh, tch," Kanda grunted, before lifting Allen off of his dainty little feet by his nifty choker, and glaring at him. The dictionary landed to the ground with a sickening—

**CLATTER!!**

"I-I-I… I can't b-bathe you!!" Allen sobbed, attempting to free himself from the abusive man's lethal grip.

"Heh. You don't have a choice. I'm dirty, so you have to clean me, slave," The mean, ridiculously aroused, abusive, strict, angry prince snarled, flexing his muscle for emphasis. Allen was shocked when the skin didn't rip due to how large the bicep was!

"F-Fine!" Allen harrumphed, somehow able to breathe. "J-Just p-p-put me do-down! I… I can't… breathe…" Allen's cute little face was turning blue!

"_We'll meet again, soon…"_

_Oh no!_ Allen thought, struggling against Kanda. _Everytime that the Childhood Friend-chan-sama-kun's words come into my head, it means that I'm about to die! No!_

"Heh. You're not worth killing," Kanda dropped Allen to the floor. The poor boy wheezed and coughed up his shriveled right lung. "Stop regurgitating your organs and fucking make me a bath, bitch!"

Swallowing his kidney, Allen weakly nodded his head. "Y-Yes… Goshujin-sama."

As Allen weakly stood up, Kanda grinned.

"Your skirt's riding up, slave," He grinned, wiping his nosebleed with the back of his rough, callous hand.

"Eep!" Allen gasped weakly, weakly pulling down his skirt, and weakly stumbling into the adjoining bathroom.

As Allen stumbled over the bathtub, he wrung out the tear-filled soba noodles until all of the tears had filled the bath. That would teach that nasty prince a lesson… he'd be forced to bathe in the tears of the innocent!

"Psh, you filled up the tub pretty damn fast," Kanda commented, coming behind Allen.

"W-Why are you fully naked!?" Allen screeched, causing some of the tiles to crack.

"Psh, tch, pff," Kanda grunted. "Take off your dress."

"W-What!? No! No way! I do—"

But… it was too late!

Shoving Allen into the already cracking tile, Kanda flipped the flailing, whining minor over onto his stomach. For the sake of kink, Kanda tore at the corset back of the maid's dress with his teeth. Buttons, corset stuff, and lace flew everywhere as Allen struggled.

"Stop screaming," Kanda grunted, somehow able to talk while he was tearing Allen's clothes with his teeth.

"No! No! No!" Allen squealed desperately, as Kanda removed the white stockings from his thin legs. "Ahh—don't touch there!" Allen screamed as Kanda stroked his thin calves. When Kanda's touch began to go higher, Allen's cries soon turned into moans—despite the fact that he _hated_ Kanda, already claimed to be in love, and was only fifteen-years-old.

"Ahh… n-no…" Allen moaned against his better judgment, as Kanda touched the back of his knees.

"You know you like this," Kanda retorted, leaning down real low over Allen's fragile ear. Allen squirmed.

But… he did like this! He did!

Allen's blush was the color of the fresh blood from the sign on Kanda's door, and it was successfully larger than the size of Kanda's nether regions and the Great Wall of China.

Kanda's touch reached his thigh, now. Allen bit down on his tongue to suppress a new moan. "Here?" Kanda smirked wide enough to do a rapist proud.

"Nnn..hnn… C-Childhood F-Friend-chan!!" Allen screamed in a moment of absolute pleasure.

Instantly, Kanda's hands were removed.

_Why… why did he stop?_ Allen wondered.

Allen could feel Kanda's anger through the widening gap between them.

"In love with someone else, huh?" Kanda growled, tearing off Allen's high heels.

"Yes!" Allen beamed. He was always eager to discuss his unconditional love for his childhood friend with men who were possessive, rapists, and obsessed with getting into his pants! "He's the best, most beautiful, sweetest, most abusive childhood friend ever! I love him!"

"Psh, tch," Kanda grunted. Allen's words touched his heart… but he would never admit it. Kanda had a childhood friend of his own… the boy was small, cute, and had gray eyes. Kanda would find _that person_. But, before he found the underage love of his life, he would have to make do with practicing his reunion intercourse with the underage love of his life on Allen instead…

"Stand up," Kanda barked. Allen slowly complied, rising from the floor.

Allen's milky thighs were pressed together in an attempt to conceal his regions. He was shaking and his lips were chattering, because, suddenly, the cold had found him again. His arms were crossed over his chest; concealing his flower-like, pink mammary glands (foreshadowing?) from Kanda's defiling view. Allen pouted.

Taking five minutes to look Allen up and down, Kanda smirked. "Get a sponge, you dirty Moyashi slave."

"E-Eh?"

"You're going to wash me."

"EHH!?"

As Kanda slipped his muscle-coated, body builder body into the tub, Allen tiptoed to where the sponges were kept inside a glass case. Inside, each sponge was labeled with different words.

"Ah, um, which sponge does Goshujin-sama want?" Allen softly whispered.

"The one that reads 'kink'." Kanda snorted, sinking deeper into the water's waves. "And why the fuck does this water taste like salty, pellucid tears?"

Ignoring Kanda's question, Allen opened the case and removed an average-looking sponge with the words "KINK" written in more blood on it.

Allen walked closer to the tub, shaking all the while. Why was he always being abused?! All he wanted to do was be safe, warm, loved, and fed heartily inside the castle—why was he being so tormented here too!? The sweet, kind, nice, polite boy stopped in front of the bathtub, biting his lower, trembling lip so he wouldn't cry.

"Get in the bathtub," Kanda grunted angrily.

"Ah… but, I—"

"GET IN!!" Reaching forward, Kanda grabbed onto Allen's horribly thin wrist, and dunked him into the water.

**SPLASH!!**

"KYAAA!" Allen cried, as he landed with a sickening **SPLASH!! **in the water.

"There, that's more like it," The man grunted, as Allen softly sobbed. "Get behind me."

Complying while crying, Allen got behind the man. No, don't worry, everyone. As I clearly stated before, Allen's an uke. Have no fear.

"I-I-I'm behind you, Goshujin-sama," Allen whispered, wiping his sparkling, teary eyes on the back of his hand.

"Good. Clean my back," Kanda flexed whatever back muscles he possessed, just in case the stupid-yet-endearing boy behind him had forgotten what a _back_ was.

Closing his eyes, Allen pressed the soft sponge to the prince's back. Suds trickled down the man's protruding back muscles, and Kanda let out a suppressed moan. Allen shuddered.

"Good—just like that," Kanda muttered, as Allen trailed the sponge down the man's back.

The sponge labeled "KINK" danced through the endless valley of back muscles protruding from Kanda's back. It tickled Kanda's spine, as Allen traced down it.

"Be sure to get in between my shoulder blades," Kanda smirked deviously.

"But… but, Goshujin-sama," Damn, Allen was getting good at remembering to call his master by that name, "you're not even dirty!"

"Shut up before I force you to have oral sex with me," Kanda abruptly stated, causing Allen to gasp and his mouth to form the shape of a giant 'O.'

Sweatdropping as tears slowly glided down his perfect, sublime face, Allen pushed Kanda's hair away from his back, so he could get his shoulder blades.

"How does this feel, Goshujin-sama?!" Allen said bitterly, resisting the urge to kill himself… again!

"Mmm…" said Kanda.

"I hate you," said Allen.

"I didn't hear you," said Kanda.

"I didn't say anything," said Allen.

"Don't forget to wash my legs," said Kanda, smirking deviously, evilly, and like a rapist. "They're _dirty."_

_H-he's so cruel, cold, mean, and evil! _Allen inwardly whined, stepping over Kanda so he could move to the front of him, so he could reach his legs. He shuddered as Kanda parted them, raising his right leg out of the water, and resting it on Allen's legs so he could wash it easier.

"Clean me, Moyashi," He demanded; his sparkle-less eyes glaring daggers, as his vampire-like skin turned even colder, if possible.

"H-hai, Goshujin-sama," Allen mumbled in defeat, before running the sponge down Kanda's leg. It was a nice, soft leg… but the muscles in it prevented Allen from truly cleaning every nook and cranny of the leg.

"A-anno… etto… Goshujin-sama?" Allen pressed his fingers together, looking sheepish.

"What is it?" Kanda snapped, glaring.

"I…I can't r-reach all of your leg. C-can you… um, un-flex your musc--?"

"ARE YOU INSANE!?" Kanda screamed, almost flipping the bathtub over with his anger.

"AHH!! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" Allen cried, as the back of his head was bashed into the side of the tub. His splitting migraine returned, while, at the same time, Kanda's hands found his way to his neck.

"NOT SORRY ENOUGH!" Kanda growled dangerously, his tongue swirling around his mouth, spitting acid. "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO UN-FLEX MY LEG MUSCLES!"

"I-I'm… s-so… rry…" Allen choked out, his arms weakly struggling against Kanda's as his face turned blue. Kanda was fast, incredibly strong, and cold… what… what was he!?

_I… I can't breathe!_ Allen whimpered.

Kanda slapped cute, wounded, abused, little Allen on the cheek, causing the boy to cry out like the cute, wounded, abused, little puppy that he was.

"Just for being _you_," Kanda said, releasing his grip of Allen's thin, slender neck. "You're going to have to clean something else of me…"

"W-what… is it?" Allen breathed, gasping for breath for the second time in the past five minutes.

"Clean my manhood with that slick, red, pink, saliva-coated tongue of yours, slave," Kanda smirked, gabbing a fistful of Allen's hair in his blood-coated hands.

"W-WHAT!?"

"Clean your Goshujin-sama, slave," Kanda said the fiftieth cheesy/kinky line of the chapter, before beginning to push Allen's head beneath the water so he could clean his thing.

"_We'll meet again, soon…"_

No.

No!

NO!!

Jumping up, Allen slapped Kanda in the face! For once in his life, he was hitting back!

"No amount of soap could ever clean your filthy heart!!" Allen cried, his tears flying everywhere and staining Kanda's face. His cries shattered all of the windows and the tiles, and caused the bathtub to break. Water spilled everywhere.

Crying hysterically, Allen grabbed a conveniently located towel; wrapped it around his lithe, slim, slender waist; and then ran from the room—still sobbing.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! _Allen screamed to himself, as he ran down the halls back to his room. _I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! Childhood Friend-chan! Help me!! I'm so sorry!!_

Bursting open the door to his room, Allen couldn't even make it to the bed before he broke down into sobs. He collapsed onto the floor, hyperventilating as his Bronchitis began to act up again.

"I HATE MYSELF!" He screamed to no one in particular, but managed to end the lives of the windows and the bed with his screaming to no one in particular. "WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE, DIE, **DIE**!?"

The only thing that Allen hated more than himself… was Kanda!

Allen sobbed into his hands, his shoulder shaking, and his one functioning lung expiring.

He... he hated Kanda! He hated, hated, hated him! How could he do all this to him!? How... could he...?

As Allen continued to sob, he didn't hear the sound of a door opening then closing.

Suddenly, Allen felt a callous, rough, gruff hand rest itself on top of his crisp, white head.

"E-eh?"

Allen's big, glossy, glassy orbs of blinding white light looked into the cold, unfeeling eyes of none other then…… **Kanda**!

"Good job today, Moyashi," The man whispered softly, regret filling his eyes. Kanda's hideously out-of-character words climbed into Allen's ears and stroked them. With that said, the man turned on his heel, and walked out from the room.

As Allen continued to stare at where Kanda once was, he didn't hear the sound of a door opening then closing.

Allen simply stared at the door—dumbstruck as a familiar feeling washed him away in an endless wave of affection.

_I... I THINK I LOVE HIM!!_

**OMGLOLOLYULLENGASMLUCKYGASMHOLYSHITOMGLOLOLFAPFAP**

Initially, I was going to say the reason as to why I almost quit last week, but, after rereading this chapter, I decided that I'm in too good of a mood to ruin it by ranting about the horrible things that someone did to me that made me sob like the OOC Allen in this story, stop writing forever, and quit this site. :D

Oh. One thing you should know about me: _I can't stand smut._ I can't read it, nor write it, nor see it. If I do, I become sick and find myself either retching over a toilet, or gauging my eyes out with a spork. I will _never_ write it… but, I will come "close" to it in the next chapter. I'm NOT looking forward to doing that. D: D: D:


	4. The Shadowy and Mysterious Remembrance

A/N: "I'm a Bitch for You" by Ima Robot is the only song that kept me going (it's been my _favorite song_ since the Precambrian epoch, so don't even attempt to mock it's name in my presence before you know what it's lyrics signify/you heard it) while writing this epically hideous chapter. Heil meaningful lyrics with a good beat! :D :D :D

Oh, wow. It seems as if I had forgotten to say this in the last few chapters, so:

**Disclaimer:** Nope, D. Gray-man ain't mine. Revel in it. (If the characters in this monstrosity can even be classified as DGM charries.)

Oh, oh! This chapter—no, wait, this entire story, is dedicated to the epic-win-by-default that is Chalupa-kabra. The ideas for _the epic things to come _are hers, by the way. I freaking love that girl. BOW DOWN TO HER. :D (However, this particular chapter has a small dedication to KISproductions, Novelist Pup, and kimi-chanchan because they're all SUPER AWESOME. :D Love you three!)

**XXLOLOLYULLENISMANDLUCKYISMAREMYRELIGIONSLOLOLXX**

_**PREVIOUSLY, ON "CHUU! KISSY LOVESPROUT!" …**_

_"Good job today, Moyashi," The man whispered softly, regret filling his eyes. Kanda's hideously out-of-character words climbed into Allen's ears and stroked them. With that said, the man turned on his heel, and walked out from the room._

_As Allen continued to stare at where Kanda once was, he didn't hear the sound of a door opening then closing._

_Allen simply stared at the door—dumbstruck as a familiar feeling washed him away in an endless wave of affection._

_I... I THINK I LOVE HIM!!_

**(dramatic end of yullen flashback)**

The sound of chirping birds awoke the sleeping Allen. Allen's big, glassy eyes slid open, interrupting Allen's erotic dream of wooing Kanda, the man that he used to loathe with a fiery passion, but now loved for no logical reason.

_I'm sorry, Childhood Friend-kun-chan,_ The confused, sweet Allen thought in his confused, sweet mind. Who was he going to choose!? His abusive, nasty Childhood Friend—his first ever love; or the abusive, nasty, muscular Kanda? Why were decisions so hard to make? If only there was a way that he could choose!

Biting his lip, Allen used his fingers to wipe the shiny tears from his equally shiny eyes. _W…what can I do?_

Allen wasn't the cheating kind. So… why was he in love with two people!? He was such a good person—why did all of these terrible things have to happen to him? All that he ever did was be kind, cute, endearing, oblivious, stupid, kawaii-chuu, a beansprout, and a good person who was cute, endearing, oblivious, stupid, kawaii-chuu, and a beansprout! Why did all of these bad things happen to him!?

"WHYYYYYY?!" He screamed to the ceiling, tears exploding from his big eyes. "Why, Kami-sama-dono!? Why do I love both Childhood Friend-nii-chan-kun and Goshujin-sama!?"

Before cute Allen could cry anymore cute Allen tears, there was a rather loud knock on his door.

Only one person could possibly be knocking so early………. **Kanda!**

_I-It must be Goshujin-sama!_ The little, premature minor exploded into happiness at the thought of the man who had attempted to rape him twice. _Oh, I-I want to look my best for him!!_

Admiring himself in the vase on the nightstand, the cute Allen licked his lips to make them glossy and woman-like, and clipped back his bangs with a big pink clip that seemingly appeared out of thin air. He was wearing a silken nightgown that was embroidered with sparkly crap, corset stuff, and countless ribbons. At first, he had made a fuss when Lavi-chan had told him that Goshujin-sama had given the nightgown to him as a present, but he soon came to accept it. It _was_ a gift from Goshujin-sama after all…

Even the mere thought of the sadistic man gave Allen a tingly feeling in his heart! Oh, it was love! Pure, pure, sweet love!

The more that the cute, kind, sweet, naïve, small Allen looked at his reflection in the glass, the uglier Allen was to himself.

_I…I'm so ugly,_ He thought sadly, slicing his wrists with his nails due to his mounting unhappiness. _How… how can anyone love me? I… I-I should just die!_

**KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!!**

"Ah! I-I'm coming, Goshujin-sama!" Allen squeaked, tripping over air five times before he made his way to the door. Smoothing out his nightgown, the sweet, cute, sparkly Allen opened the door. "Ehhh?!"

Allen let the submissive, generic noise escape his lips, because it wasn't Goshujin-sama at the door!! It was…..

"L-Lavi-kun-chan-anata?" Allen questioned, his eyes widening, as he wrapped his nightgown tighter around his lithe, slight, slim, small, thin waist.

"Yup, yup, it's me, all right!" The redheaded usagi beamed, putting a hand atop Allen's head, and ruffling his white, silver, gray hair.

"Kyaa!" Allen squeaked; squeezing his eyes shut as he blushed feverishly. How… how embarrassing! He could remember all of the times when his Childhood Friend would grab him by the hair, and then smash him into trees before fervently molesting him at age eight. Just thinking about those beautiful memories caused a smile to form on the boy's face. Allen's small chest rose and fell heavily as his heart rate accelerated and exploded the majority of his pulmonary arteries.

"Ahh, you're so cute, Moya-chan-tan!" Lavi beamed, about to ruffle Allen's hair again. But, before he could do so, however, an electric shock of super high voltage ran through him, reminding that this was a Yullen fanfiction; and that he would be randomly paired with Tyki so he couldn't interrupt or interfere with the Yullen action. His charred arms returned to his sides, defeated and deflated. _Boo-fucking-hoo._

"Why did you come?" Allen questioned, glancing down the hallway to see if Goshujin-sama was coming. If… if Goshujin-sama came to see him, then Allen's life would be complete in the best of ways—like a window that was decorated with black, torn shades that protected it from the sun but also was possessive and concealed it from the world for itself, at the same time.

He loved him.

Allen-chan-tan loved his Goshujin-sama, Kanda.

He loved that perverted sociopath so much—he had shown him his soft side, after all. Was it only a day ago that Allen had been rescued from the bitter, cold, frigid air of the streets, and taken into Kanda's muscular arms?

His love for him could fill an entire ocean, feed every starving child in the world, and put Saint Lenalee out of business… with his love. For Kanda. For his Goshujin-sama. His _tainted savior_.

His face turning the color of a melting flamingo-colored Crayola crayon, Allen waited to hear Lavi's response—only half listening, while flashbacks of Kanda attempting to rape, abuse, and slaughter him ran through his mind. How he loved that man.

But, no one could ever know. For the sake of plot, their love is forbidden. It would be bad if anyone found out… but how Allen longed to tell… he had to tell someone about his love for Kanda!

He had to, or he'd explode. Again.

Why, oh _why_ couldn't Kanda and his childhood friend be the _same person!?_

"Well, um, Prince Yu-chan is wanted at Big Ben today," Lavi finally revealed, glancing at the window to make sure that the mysterious silhouetted man-with-a-mole under his left eye that was sitting on one of the castle roofs, was watching everything that took place.

"B-Big Ben!?" Allen's already-huge eyes grew tenfold, causing his entire face to look like two giant, silver, shiny eyes filled with love for two sadistic men. "Ahh, Goshujin-sama's lucky, ne? I've always seen that huge clock-thingy, but I've never gone near it! Master promised to throw me off of Big Ben, one time after I forgot to wash his glasses," Allen winced, recalling memories of Master's abuse. How he _**hated**_ to be hurt!

At the sound of the word "lucky," Lavi's grin faltered. How he wished his employer would notice him…

"Well, today's your lucky break, Moya-chan-tan!"

"E-eh? Wh-what do you mean?"

"Prince Yu-chan is requesting you to come along!"

Allen's mouth widened and went in the shape of a rather blatant "O." His knees buckled, and suddenly, he was on the ground with his head buried in his hands, sobbing.

"E-ehhh!?" Lavi looked alarmed. If Allen cried, he'd drown! "W-why are you crying, Allen-tan?" He sweatdropped.

"I-I-I'm so happy, Lavi-nii!" Sweet, cute, friendly Allen beamed; tears and snot of utter joy running down his face. Finally, things were looking up for him! "I-I'm surrounded by such wonderful people…"

Ignoring the bandages on his arms, the punch-marks on his cheeks, and his raw nether regions, Allen could safely say that this castle was his… his home.

"I…I don't deserve all of this happiness."

Lavi would have said or done something to comfort the sobbing, cross-dressing creature on the floor, but, alas, only Yullen is allowed to exist in this paranormal dimension. Besides, when Lavi had hugged Yu-chan for over five seconds last night… hey, wait! Let's have a flashback on that right now!

**(o hai this is not a kanda/lavi flashback, kk?)**

"_Yu-chan," Lavi sing-sang, as he walked into the testy prince's room. "I heard that the Moyashi refused you! Haha!"_

"_Shut it, Baka-Usagi. And don't call me by my first name," The testy prince huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. The exhibitionist only had silken boxers on, and his arms were crossed over his bare chest. Some of his silken, velvety, black hair cascaded over his toned shoulders, pectoral, and abs._

"_Damn," Lavi whistled, adjusting the hat on his head, as his eyes turned into giant pink hearts. "Moya-chan-tan's one lucky Moya-chan-tan!"_

"_Excuse me?" Kanda raised an eyebrow at the sound of his pet's name. The oblivious, air-headed, helpless moyashi belonged to him—Lavi had no right to say his name! _

"_Well, y'know, Yu-chan," Lavi sweatdropped, rubbing the back of his head in a sheepish way. "He's a kawaii shota, and a lot of people go for that kind of kink."_

_Kanda continued to glare with that sharp, thick, piercing glare of his. Lavi felt sweat run down his ankles. "Don't even go there."_

"_I mean, I know I go for it, haha…" He wanted to see Kanda's reaction. That was the only reason why he said it, of course. Did Yu love Moyashi, or was he just playing him!?_

…_Just playing him like the person who Lavi loved was playing him…? Because, if he were, then that would just be too much to bear…_

"_Don't you dare speak about Moyashi," Kanda growled in a monotone, his fists clenching so hard, that his bicep almost tore through the skin. Again. "He belongs to me."_

"_Do you even love him, hmm?" Lavi asked, climbing onto the bed beside Kanda. Oh no! His forty-eighth personality, Deke, was beginning to escape!_

"_Tch, psh, che, pfft," Kanda snorted, rolling his eyes. "What does it mean to you, Baka Usagi-teme?"_

_Lavi sweatdropped again, causing the entire bed to become soaked. He shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno, but…" Draping his arms around Kanda's overly muscular shoulders, he smiled. "I know that you're my best friend, and that I want you to be with the one you love." He smiled like the little usagi he is._

_Kanda rolled his black, charcoal, coal eyes for the fifteenth consecutive time, but did not pull away from the __**best-friend**__ly hug._

_Suddenly… five seconds into the hug, Lavi's hands spontaneously combusted!_

"_EEEEEK!!!" Lavi hollered, dousing his scorched hands in the water basin on Kanda's nightstand, which was there for that very purpose. This was the third time that had happened! "Why does that always happen every time I touch you!?"_

_Chuckling like the perverted rapist he was proud to be when it involved pathetic ukes such as the Moyashi-chan-tan whose pants he longed to stick is pervy rapist hands into, Kanda snorted. "I'm already in love with someone, Baka Usagi."_

"_Ohh," Lavi winced, because it all made perfect sense, now. His hands burst into flame because it showed signs of LaviYu, and only Yullen could exist in this monstrosity. Survival of the biggest fandoms. _

"_Heh. Fool," Kanda 'heh-ed,' pushing stray locks of thick hair out of his obsidian, narrow orbs of darkness and abysses._

"_Do you… love the Moyashi?" Lavi asked once more, wincing again as he wrapped medical tape around his wrist with his teeth for the sake of nosebleeds. He could still speak, however, because that makes almost as much sense as this rather useless flashback._

_Kanda looked away from Lavi, covering his nose so he didn't have to smell the smell of burning flesh. He didn't directly answer his question, but he made it apparent what his intentions were._

"_I want to make him __**mine.**__"_

**(end of so-not-lavi/yu flashback, lolllllz)**

_Wait… what was the point of that flashback, again?_ Lavi blinked, as the water of Allen's salty tears seeped through his shoes, wetting his furry(—oops, spoiler!) feet. His hands still burned from the previous night. (A/N: D'awww, poor Lavi-kun-chan-tan! But he should've known better then to interfere with the Godly Yullen, nya!)

Allen was going to explode. He was going to explode if he didn't reveal his feelings! He needed to know…!! Who should he choose!?

"Lavi-nii!" Allen wailed suddenly, his voice cracking the recently replaced windows as he attempted to stand up, only to almost trip over the heavy ambiance of love-triangles hovering around him. "I…I…"

"You… _what_?"

"I… I-I LO-LOVE GOSHUJIN-SAMA!!!"

With the sound of his rather blatant confession, five thousand Yullen fans convulsed, foamed at the mouth, and split their heads open with the intensity of their unadulterated joy.

The mysterious and shadowy figure with the equally abyss-like shadowy and mysterious top hat on top of his mysterious curly brown hair that sported a shadowy and mysterious mole under his shadowy and mysterious amber eyes of shadow and mystery, raised a shadowy and mysterious eyebrow at Allen's non-shadowy and mysterious confession of clarification.

_Things are getting… ah, juicy,_ the mysteriously shadowy man thought, as he ran a saliva-ridden tongue over his shadowy and mysterious lips. His shadowy and mysterious eyes scanned Allen as he sobbed. The crying, sniveling, pathetic kid looked nearly edible… because, I mean, who DOESN'T love a pathetic, sniveling, crying pathetic kid who cries, is pathetic, snivels, and screams, "PROTECT ME!" when they're about to be raped by the mysterious and shadowy people who are undoubtedly always after said crying, pathetic, sniveling minor's virginity?!

The words of confession felt so good coming out of Allen's small, sweet mouth that would one day please aforementioned Goshujin-sama in bed. He felt so… so free! Finally, it was out! He loved Kanda, he loved Kanda, he… he LOVED KANDA!!

…And, unlike his Childhood Friend, it had only taken him a day to fall hopelessly in love with Kanda! That meant that it was more true love than the one he shared with his Childhood Friend!

_I… I'm sorry, Childhood Friend-chan-kun-tan-sama… _Allen blinked back shiny tears, as Lavi gaped. The shiny, glistening, sparkling, lustrous, shimmering tears rolled down the cute, sweet, kind-hearted, oblivious Allen's rosy cheeks like water tumbling over a waterfall into a murky abyss that was almost as mysterious, murky, and shadowy as the mysterious and shadowy man watching the cute, sweet, kind-hearted, oblivious Allen's shiny, glistening, sparkling, lustrous, shimmering tears roll down his rosy cheeks from the window. _I… I… I love Goshujin-sama. You will always hold a special place in my heart, but… but…!!_

"Ah, um…" Lavi sweattdropped, feeling the eyes of the mysteriously shadowy man watch him from the roof where aforementioned mysterious and shadowy man was situated, watching him. _Waiting._ "E-excuse me, Moya-tan-chan, while I **don't** go to the bathroom with this **anti**-walkie talkie so I **can't** contact the **non-existent** mysterious, shadowy man who is totally **not **watching us from the roof."

"E-eh?"

A gleam glistened in the mysterious, shadowy man's dark, deep, abyss-like, mysterious eyes, before it was snuffed out from the water of his impatience being thrown upon it. Lavi gulped.

"E-EXCUSE ME!!"

Before Allen could even wipe a happy tear from his gleaming, large eyes, the door **SLAMMED!** shut, and he was alone once more.

He was always alone…

His heart snapped in half as thoughts of his Goshujin-sama came to the shore of the stormy beach of his confused mind.

"I…I guess I'll have to bury it under the s-surface, again…" Allen choked, shattering his vital organs, his manicured nails, and every clip in his hair from his high-pitched voice. He was referring to his poor, misshapen, abused heart, which he had to bury under the surface of his bubbly demeanor every day!!

How he longed for Kanda's touch. He missed the feel of the man's hands clenching his hipbone so tightly that—hey! Let's have a flashback on that!!

**(flashback time nao plox)**

"_It's time to start work, Moyashi-teme," A deep, cold, queer voice hissed, a hand wrapping around his hipbone. The man's grip was so tight that Allen thought his fragile hipbone would shatter—just like delicate heart had last night._

**(done)**

_Goshujin-sama will never love me_, the endearing, polite, British minor spontaneously decided out of nowhere, swallowing the remnants of his remaining lung from when he coughed it up from crying to hard. _I-I'll just… just keep this love to myself—hidden under the surface with my suicidal tendencies, my sadness, and my shattered heart!!_

Burying his cute head in his small, petite hands, the pansy cried until he began to drown in his tears, remembered he couldn't swim, and had to stop crying.

In the distance, the mysterious and shadowed man on the rooftop licked his lips. He had found his newest prey—meaning that this story just found its plot as well as its antagonist!

_Watch out, Uke-chan,_ The mysterious mole-man thought deviously, as his tongue ran over his lips so many times that saliva ran down his chin and landed in the building puddle around his feet. He ignored his buzzing walkie-talkie so he could spend a few more moments being a creeper. _You better watch out… when __**I'm**__ on the prowl!_

**DONTTELLBUTYULLENANDLUCKYRGONNAHAPPEN**

...NOW YOU ALL KNOW I'M ALIVE. Cheers. :D


	5. Kyaa! Hot Spring in Big Ben?

A/N: Um. I'm here to apologize for the shortness all of all these chapters. There's no excusing it; I've grown lazy. I know that I should just sit my butt down and chain myself to the chair until I write it all out in one go, but I'm just too much of a procrastinator DX Forgive me? I promise that the next few chapters will be over 5k each! Because those will be the chapters in this horrific monstrosity where things start getting, oh ho ho, _juicy_.

Shout out to Missus Ann, Darmed and Mick. Just for being awesome, yo :D Oh, and, Chalupa_kabra, this story is still all for you, babe! Oh oh, and two more dedications to Sora Pwns x3 and ritachi, because I'm really, really lazy. You both know that I'm referring to D: And here's one for Yumi Yumi Ayumi, for she drew some amazing Chuu! fanart that totally rocked my socks! (and one--well, three--to all of the team members of KIS(E)productions, because they have school today! Yuck!)

AND ONE TO ALL OF MY AMAZING REVIWERS. :D Seriously, everyone gives me inspiration to continue this hunk o' junk despite its idiocy. I can't believe how much the public loves parodies! Ah, do you guys think I should make a Katekyo Hitman Reborn! sattire like this, mocking the stereotypical (insert seme here)27 fic? It's up to you guys; I'm flexible.

Oh, and more exciting(?) news: From now on I'll be responding to every(?) review I get, so... go go go! *fires gun*

**PREVIOUSLY ON "**_**CHUU! KISSY LOVESPROUT!**_**" …**

"_Well, um, Prince Yu-chan is wanted at Big Ben today," Lavi finally revealed, glancing at the window to make sure that the mysterious silhouetted man-with-a-mole under his left eye that was sitting on one of the castle roofs, was watching everything that took place._

"_B-Big Ben!?" Allen's already-huge eyes grew tenfold, causing his entire face to look like two giant, silver, shiny eyes filled with love for two sadistic men. "Ahh, Goshujin-sama's lucky, ne? I've always seen that huge clock-thingy, but I've never gone near it! Master promised to throw me off of Big Ben, one time after I forgot to wash his glasses," Allen winced, recalling memories of Master's abuse. How he __**hated**__ to be hurt!_

_At the sound of the word "lucky," Lavi's grin faltered. How he wished his employer would notice him…_

"_Well, today's your lucky break, Moya-chan-tan!"_

"_E-eh? Wh-what do you mean?"_

"_Prince Yu-chan is requesting you to come along!"_

**xxbowthefuckdowntoyullenandluckyxx**

"_Ah, um…" Lavi sweattdropped, feeling the eyes of the mysteriously shadowy man watch him from the roof where aforementioned mysterious and shadowy man was situated, watching him. __Waiting.__ "E-excuse me, Moya-tan-chan, while I __**don't**__ go to the bathroom with this __**anti**__-walkie talkie so I __**can't**__ contact the __**non-existent**__ mysterious, shadowy man who is totally __**not **__watching us from the roof."_

**xxxisweartotheyullenandluckygodsintheskythatilleffingsliturthroatifudontlovethesepairingsxx**

_Burying his cute head in his small, petite hands, the pansy cried until he began to drown in his tears, remembered he couldn't swim, and had to stop crying._

_In the distance, the mysterious and shadowed man on the rooftop licked his lips. He had found his newest prey—meaning that this story just found its plot as well as its antagonist!_

_Watch out, Uke-chan,__ The mysterious mole-man thought deviously, as his tongue ran over his lips so many times that saliva ran down his chin and landed in the building puddle around his feet. He ignored his buzzing walkie-talkie so he could spend a few more moments being a creeper. __You better watch out… when __**I'm**__ on the prowl!_

**XXXYULLENLUCKYYULLENLUCKYTHEYMAKESOMUCHSENSESOSHUTTHEFUCKUPANDCOMMENCEURGROVELINGXXX**

**(back to the present…)**

After two hours of sitting in a carriage, the adorable, jailbait Allen-chan, usagi Lavi-nii, and the horny Kanda-sama arrived at Big Ben. Yes, suffixes still apply in England, because EVERYONE who's ANYONE mixes Japanese words into the recipe of English lingo, iie?

Kanda was all hot and bothered because he had been hiding his randomly aroused manly parts under his princely, puffy manly pants for the entire two-hour carriage ride. It was crazy hard to hide a Ziggurat in one's pants, Kanda discovered!

But… watching the Moyashi did… did _weird things_ to Prince Kanda's body… he _wanted him_. Wanted the minor so badly that it hurt his organs, throttled his mind and caused his nether regions to rise to unholy heights until they blocked the sky.

How Kanda longed to stick his hard as a rock on steroids love muscle inside the kid's pink, black, blue and rainbow entrance and produce thousands of heirs to his throne.

The air wasn't bitter, cold, benumbing, and freezing when Allen, still wearing his adorable maid outfit that made any man in a five mile radius have the pleasant feeling of their nether regions rising so high into the air that it covered their entire faces and they ran into busy traffic and got hit by carriages, stumbled out into it. He wasn't cold anymore… now that his Goshujin-sama, Kanda, was at his side.

_I-If Goshujin-sama could be beside me forever-and-always like this.. I-I… I…_ Incapable to complete his stuttering thoughts, the uke-of-a-maid hid his blush beneath the fabric of his kawaii maid collar.

K-Kanda… Kanda-Goshujin-sama had been quiet the entire ride there. He… he hadn't looked at Allen. Not once. At all. Zilch, nada, zip.

The only logical explanation that the slow, innocent, absent-minded Allen could concoct was that the child molester/rapist he loved more than all of the furry animals, male pregnancies and love-at-first-sights in the world was still livid over yesterday… but why would be invite him to Big Ben with him, then!?

Maybe… maybe Goshujin-sama hated him and wanted to abandon him here in the uncold air surrounding Big Ben! Abandon him… just like everyone else… **just like everyone else.**

**(this is a flashback and u cnt stop it kk?)**

"_We don't want you, bitch." Said an anonymous voice whose identity will be revealed later._

**(see was tht tht bad?)**

He… he couldn't look Kanda in the eyes, right now. Not when the man didn't love him.

A thousand-million-billion thoughts paraded through Allen's mind—like a thousand-million-billion thoughts carrying trumpets, cymbals, and kazoos stomping through his head!

**(more flashbacks so stfu and deal wit it)**

"_You'll be alone for the rest of your life. I CURSE YOU!!" _

**(over)**

No, no no… why did all of these bad memories have to arise to the surface of his mind right now!?

**(poor poor abused wil allen!)**

"_No one likes you. You'll be alone FOREVER."_

**(ba-dump. ba-dump. ba-dump. thaz a heartbeat)**

_Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump.'_

_WHY… WHY CAN I HEAR MY HEARTBEAT SO LOUDLY?!_ Allen thought, scared to little bite sized bits that he once thought his Goshujin-sama would eat but now realized that he wouldn't for he didn't love him! _M-Mr. Heart… stop beating so loudly! I… I.. I-I can't hear Gosu-Goshujin-sama's voice when you beat so… loudly…_

Allen could hear his heart **thump thump** and **ba-dump ba-dump** in his little chest that had two rosy pink nipples that every single seme in the entire ficcu wants to suck like a baby's bottle and devour like it was the little bite sized pieces of Allen that he scared himself into.

_N-no…_ Allen weakly mentally screamed, flashes of forgotten memories blowing into those trumpets with all of their might.

"Are you okay, Moya-tan-chan!?" Lavi asked, noticing how glazed over the pansy's usually shiny-as-Hell eyes were. On a normal day, Lavi could count eight—no, wait, that's not right—_eighty_ shines in the thin, cute, endearing, sweet boy's fine, large, huge, gargantuan, glistening eyes. However, they were glazed over right now… oh noes! Were those _tears_ in his eyes!? Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Kanda whirled around so fast that his super long midnight black ponytail whipped a few pedestrians and decapitated a woman. But she had ovaries so none of the manly gay men of super-duper manliness in this ficcu gave a fucking rat's ass about her death. The scent of her blood nearly tempted the super fast, super cold, super sparkly, super strong vam—_man_ to go back and suck her veins dry, but _his_ Moyashi was in trouble.

And _no one_ messed with his sex-slaves, plants, or maids but HIM.

And, just in case you're confused, "him" is not the name of another person; it's referring to Kanda and his kandylicious kandy cane inside of his pants that he wants to shove inside Allen's pooper but he will later on but shh don't tell anyone, kay? (SPOILERS!)

"I.. I'm f-fine…" Allen managed a smile, although the evil thoughts were still swirling around his hollow mind, bringing a cold front into his thoughts and also raining on his parade. Not the parade of evil thoughts that were swirling around in his hollow mind, bringing a cold front into his thoughts and raining on his parade, however. They were _metaphorically_ raining on his parade. Like, not on the parade of bad thoughts. You know what? _Shut the fuck up._

_W-wait for me…_

_A-anonymous Childhood Friend-chan…_ Allen thought weakly. He was about to cry and they didn't even reach the plot of the chapter yet! A new record! _I…I'm sorry for finding someone else… please… please don't be mad._

His kind, sweet, clarifying words weren't enough to dismantle the roaring emotions inside of him.

H-he felt… faint.

_I-if I faint… will Goshujin-sama c-catch me…?_ Allen wondered shyly, seeing two worried, hardened, beautiful faces of Kanda in front of him as his vision went in and out of focus. Yes… he was so beautiful when he was not trying to take his well-sought-after virginity… how he loved that rapist.

However, before the innocent, humble, grateful Allen-chan could faint into the sculpted muscles of the homosexual man he loved, something caught his large, innocent, humble eyes. Something on the tippity-top of Big Ben!

"E-EHHH!?" The cute victim of many molests and rape-attempts exclaimed, falling back onto the road. He winced in pain and burst into tears when his hands exploded in blood as they were scraped. "I-I didn't know there was a HOT SPRING at Big Ben! Kyaa!" his bleeding hands forgotten, the anemic child ran towards the door of Big Ben. How exciting!

Ignoring the fact that the **non**-target of his so totally **non-existent** master was bleeding to death and had nearly fainted, Lavi pumped his fists, going into chibi-mode for a split-second before the author of this hideous ficcu remembered that only Allen-of-the-ukes housed this inborn gift. "Let's go~!"

After hollering in delight, the horrifically hyperactive Lavi readjusted his hat.

Rolling his dark, deep, dark black eyes, Kanda crossed his muscled arms (which would even give Hercules and Edward Cullen a nosebleed and hearts full of enough jealousy to match every rapist who set their sights on Allen) over his chest. Scoffing, he followed the duo into Big Ben.

_Kawaii,_ He grinned as Allen tripped on his own crimson blood on the first stair, gasping as he slammed his head onto the concrete, successfully splitting his skull open to reveal that he, in fact, did not possess a brain. Only a small speck of dust that served as a crude surrogate for the pinkish command center. Kanda smirked to himself.

Brainless… just the way he liked them.

"H-hey! Wait up, Allen-chan-tan~" Lavi cried after him, his seme nature from the last few chappies melting into an uke one for he KNEW that his love, his own one true and pure heart's desire of true love of mysterious mystery and shadowy regret in the shadows of his heart and soul, shrouded with mystery and dark cloaks and eyes for the weakest, most uke-est pedobaits in the entire world so he could rip open their chastity belts with his hands of utter darkness of abysses, blackness and hopeless mystery, was watching him… waiting… _analyzing_. So he had to appeal to him and his sweet tooth that craved only the weakest and most pathetic semebaits by putting on his best "rape me, oh man of mysterious shadowy mystery who comes to me during my wet dreams about men with moles and the auras of shadow and mystery that surround them as they rape five-year-olds with the mental capacity of a two-year-old, for pedophilia is very, very attractive" face as he ran up the stairs behind Allen, the queen—er, king—of all ukes and sweet bubbliness that made the anonymous man of mystery and shadow watching them, whose face was covered with the shadowy emptiness of a man whose identity is being concealed by the Yullen and Lucky authoress for suspense, go crazy vying for the key to the sweet and bubbly and abused Allen-chan's belt of chastity that he longed to rip open with all of his hands of utter darkness of abysses, blackness and hopeless mystery…

Trying to ignore the ridiculously confusing run-on sentence of doom above this one, Kanda bounded up the stairs after the delicious ukes. Seriously, this was going to be one hell of a time…

Little did he know that _**HELL**_ was the operative word in this situation…

**XXXYULLENANDLUCKYARELIKESOEFFINGAMAZINGTHATUSUCKANDAREWORTHLESSINCOMPARISONKAY?DEALWITHITBITCHXXX**

If the run-on sentences make no sense to you, you're doing it right!

There's no need to fear, these chapters will be getting progressively longer as I get back into the swing of things. I promise.

Oh. And, uh, remind me about updating Decadent and _perish._ I'll be updating it… um, eventually… er, uh...when I get around to it. Eugh. Moving on, from now on I'll be religiously sticking to my original plan of updating this piece of crap every weekend, so expect a 5k one by Sunday the latest or bust, yo :D

Also, I'm "_vibrantpupster_" on livejournal. Go friend me and check me out, please! I'm probably going to start updating my stories ontp _kisproductions_ on livejournal, but for now I'll simply do it here. But I _will_ be transferring all of my stories to kis(e)productions eventually, so look for me there!


	6. Chapter 6

Howdy hi, denizens of this site! I am well aware of the fact that this message comes as a ridiculously belated pixel obituary, but I wanted to formally announce the following regardless: **I am discontinuing this fanfiction, as well as all of my others**.

Whether you're a loyal fan who has patiently waited through these almost-two years in hopes of a potential update, a new-time reader, or a random surfer who felt the undeniable compulsion to click on this, I felt the need to inform you. The mineral of writing fanfiction has really lost its luster for me, dwindling down to a dull glimmer. Despite the fact that the vestiges of my thirteen-year-old eccentric allegories/run-sentences still remain (see: this sentence), I don't feel any compulsion to finish this work, nor do I want to, as I have long since fell out of every fandom I used to write for, and the risk of plagiarism expedites when I post my work publically. D:

(I may finish this story and my others if I ever am feeling nostalgic, but for the time being the likelihood of that is borderlining on probably not.)

I'm sorry (again)! I hope that you all can forgive me for discontinuing this, and making you wait as long as you did for word to finally come out. To be frank, writing this notice was pretty painful for me, as I feel horrifically guilty already, but I thought it would be worse to perennially leave some of you in suspended animation, waiting for the email signifying my stories' updated status. I'm really, really sorry. I mean that.

However! I have met many very friendly, kind people via this outlet (some of whom I still maintain close contact with today), and I don't want to just let my cyber-friends slip by the wayside to sit in mud and, over time, go back into the earth to become fossil fuels or something. If you're really curious as to what was going to go down in these fics, want to ask me a question pertaining to them, or just want to know what color socks I'm wearing,** I have no qualms whatsoever about any of you contacting me**!

My e-mail address is beansproutted(at)gmail(dot)com, and my tumblr account is talkabouttheweather. You can even send me a message through PM, if you so desire. If you want to be my friend or anything akin to such, please feel free to send me a mail or follow me on tumblr! I love all of you guys, and thank you so much for putting up with me and my… tardiness issues (understatement up to eleven, folks). Oh, and sorry if this comes off as pretentious ;;;;

Thank you so much, everyone! You have all stuck by me, been nothing but supportive and constructively critical, and all of you have helped me grow as a writer.

You—yes, _you_—are the best! :D

(Oh, and sorry if I fooled into thinking that this story was updated for real…)


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